Attack of the Fanfiction Cliches!
by Ugly Pink Machine
Summary: What do you get when everyone's favorite fanfiction cliches wheedle their way into the Angel Sanctuary universe to cause havoc and rape the plot? Lots of pain. Rated for Michael's language, as always.


A/N:

We all have a special kind of dislike for Mary Sues, nonsensical self-insertions, poorly developed and random original characters, and any combination of the three that permeate into the world of fanfiction. (An exception, however, is the original characters category; some of them are pretty good, but sadly, the majority of them are incredibly self-serving and inane.) What do you think would happen if, somehow, all of the crazed fans, random original characters, and self-insertions themselves actually got into the universe of Angel Sanctuary? Whatever your speculation, one thing remains constant: it wouldn't be pretty.

I don't own anything. None of the fangirls/original characters/self-insertions that are going to appear in this story are based off of anyone in particular, so no one should take this as a personal insult.

Michael was furious.

He stormed into Raphael's clinic, slamming the door behind him in a characteristic display of rage, and all but threw himself at the blond doctor – who had his back to the angel and had previously been scribbling nonchalantly on a clipboard.

"You FUCK," Michael snarled, grabbing his best friend's shoulders and shoving him violently to the ground, kicking the clipboard away as it clattered to the ground. Raphael blinked as the smaller angel jumped on him, balled his hands into fists, and began to explain his frusteration in the most mature way possible.

But Raphael saw it coming, and dodged a few blows before grabbing Michael's swinging fists and shoving him backward to a sprawl on the floor. Standing up before the angel could regain his position, Raphael grabbed his friend's arm and jerked him to his feet, dragged him a few steps, then deposited him on the couch nearby with a hard thud.

"Do you _mind", _he began in what he thought was a relatively calm tone, considering the circumstances, "explaining what I've done now before you try to maul me?"

His left hand reached up to self-consciously get his tousled hair back into place as he watched the pouting Michael warily, waiting for an answer. God knew that he loved Mika-chan like a bratty little brother, but all of this unnecessary violence really had to stop. It probably made a terrible impression on the nurses.

Michael stared at him from his perch on the couch, then leaned forward, pointing an accusatory finger at the doctor.

"There are humans here."

He waited for that to sink in.

"Human women. They wouldn't fucking leave me _alone,_so I led them here, figuring it was you they wanted anyway. You being such a manslut and all. And they – they fucking TOUCHED me! With their _hands! _Their dirty little slut whore human greasebag fucking HANDS! And it's your fault, you fucking ass, your fault, and I'm never – never going to forgive you for this, I mean why the hell did you have to go and screw humans anyway? Sure they die off eventually, but if you hadn't gone and impregnated them or whatever, they wouldn't be here and you—"

"Mika-chan, I don't know what you're talking about."

Michael stood up, his eyes aflame, a look of fury contorting his youthful features. This was never a pleasant omen, and not one that Raphael wanted directed at him. A brief silence passed between them, and the smaller angel stomped over to the doctor, standing merely an inch away from him, so close that his hard cool breath could be felt on Raphael's cheek.

Raphael blinked and poked his chest to inch him away.

Michael slapped his hand and stepped up even closer, and Raphael braced himself in anticipation of the—

"YOU FUCKED THEM! YOU FUCKED THEM AND NOW THEY'RE BACK WANTING CHILD SUPPORT OR WHAT FUCKING EVER! AND THEY FUCKING TOUCHED ME AND ITS YOUR FAULT AND I FUCKING HATE YOU AND WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!"

This being said, the redhead grabbed Raphael's shoulders and swung his fist directly into his stomach.The angel spat out a curse in response and doubled over, and the only thing he could hear after the blood stopped pounding in his ears was the door slamming shut behind Michael's retreating back, and the momentary squealing of what sounded like… a lot of… girls?

The door slammed open and slammed shut again, and Michael was barricading the door with his back, suddenly looking small and terrified and childlike. There was a long, confusing silence, in which Raphael slowly regained his composure – and regular breathing – and tried not to begrudge the angel, finding his mood softening a little from the terror that was reflected on the boy's face.

"There's more," Michael said, his voice low and shaking a little, "lots more. They don't just want you. They said – I was…"

He lapsed into silence again, shifting his gaze to the floor, his entire face and composure hardening. Raphael frowned, stepping over to the boy, confused as ever. Soothingly, and with as much concern as he could muster, he asked, "What did they say, Mika-chan?"

Michael took a breath, wiped at his brow with one small hand. Raphael was ready for a bombshell.

"They said… that I was sexy."

Raphael coughed. "Excuse me, i what /i ?"

"They SAID… that I was SEXY." Michael dropped his head into his hands, a long sigh escaping from him. "Fucking.. human girls… they… like me… and they're all…"

The doctor gently grasped his shoulders and steered him back to the couch, sitting beside him and picking up his clipboard from its limp stance on the floor. "You're not making any sense, ototou. Why don't you start from the beginning, and maybe then we can figure this out together?"

"I hate women!", exploded Michael, lifting his head from his hands, that fiery glare returning to his face as his body tensed in subtle indication of his anger. "I hate them! They're disgusting and whorish, and now they like me – like they like you! And it's – it's probably your fault somehow!"

Raphael sighed and shook his head, glancing at the windows on either side of the door, his gaze being met by what looked like an endless crowd of… well, girls. Banging against the window with their hands and screaming out the two angels' names in adoring unison, he suddenly felt quite comfortable with staying in the clinic. Forever. He had never felt quite so uncomfortable with women before, but then again, he had never seen Michael quite so shaken, either. When he looked back at his friend, the boy was glaring at the windows, his arms crossed, his lips professing random profanities and curses aimed at the myriad of shrieking pubescent females.

When he caught Raphael's gaze, he bit his lip.

"That's not the worst. There was this one chick – she was – she kept saying that I was her father, and that her mother…"

Michael paused. Raphael's head was already spinning at the concept of Michael siring a child; no, not even that. The idea that he would so much as talk to a woman was inconceivable.

Actually, it was hilarious.

His lips twitched in a smirk not quite stifled, but Michael thankfully did not notice this, and continued.

"…She said that Lucifer was her mother."

Another awkward silence ensued. Michael was looking at him, completely straight-faced and serious, and try as hard as he might not to…

Raphael burst into maniacal laughter and dropped his head into his hands, clenching at his blond hair.

"IT IS NOT FUNNY!", Michael screamed at him, standing up and kicking him hard in the shin, his voice wavering, "SHE WAS FUCKING SERIOUS! And – and, Christ, Raphael, i she looked like us/i "

Inbetween gasps, Raphael found it in him to respond.

"So – did you two ever –"

His question was interrupted by another fit of laughter. Tears were streaking his pretty face, and he almost felt guilty about his insensitivity; but what wasn't funny about this? Some woman had accused Michael and Lucifer of having i manchildren /i .

A loud thud interrupted his giddy reverie, followed by the unmistakable sound of splitting wood, and his head jerked up in surprise, expecting Michael to be storming around the room and breaking stuff – as was his usual resort to anger.

But this was not Michael's doing, because the boy was still standing beside Raphael.

The door was breaking down, and the girls' screams were suddenly a lot louder.

The doctor stood up, his laughter completely sobered, and his stomach felt as though it contained a live, rabid squirrel. "Mika," he began quietly, "I think I know who they are. They aren't my exes."

"Then who are they?", snapped the child, still glaring at him, but with a bit less malice than before, since his anger was being drained by concern.

"They're… fangirls."

One more silence, this one the most extreme. Michael began to edge his way towards the hallway, his eyes fixed on the steadily cracking door, its wood beginning to splint from the force of a hundred fists.

"Shit," he whispered to himself, reaching out to grab Raphael's sleeve and drag him away from the scene, "shit. What do you think they want?"

"What do all anime fangirls want, Michael?"

A pause. "Gay sex."

"Yes."

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

"Agreed."

And with that being said, the door finally caved in, and the two angels were scrambling to avoid the stretched out, clawed hands of their adoring fans, their ears pounding with the screams and squeals of their own names and random professions of love.

Raphael had the feeling that this was not going to end well.

A/N: Tell me what you think. :D Chapter two coming soon.


End file.
